Harry Potter and the Quest for the Magic Nut
by McAwsome
Summary: Cedric Diggory returns from the dead as an albino squirrel to help Harry save the world, but first, Harry must help him find his Magic Nut. Silliness ensues as the unlikly pair endeavors to accomplish their mission. A Must Read!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor do I expect to make any profit from this story.

**Authors note**: This is basically just a crazy idea that came to me one night. Read! Enjoy! Review! Have a fantastic day, and tell all of your friends to do the same!

!

**It was another hot summer** day at Privet Drive, and Harry Potter was in a funk. His fourth year at Hogwarts had ended badly, the Dursley's were being douchebags, the wizarding world thought he was insane, and his friends weren't talking to him. He had briefly contemplated writing a book about his experiences, being THE Harry Potter and all, but had dismissed that idea pretty quickly. It was too hot to really do anything productive, and he had no real motivation to escape his funk, so he decided to spend the afternoon the way he'd spent every afternoon since the summer break had begun: laying on his bed listening to Uncle Vernon's Elvis collection on Dudley's old boom box. This activity took up so much of Harry's attention that he didn't hear the tapping at his window until the song he was listening to ended and Hedwig began to squawk.

Wondering if this was some elaborate scheme by his friends to rescue him from further horrors of summer with his muggle relatives, Harry excitedly leapt from his bed and raced to the window. Sadly, he discovered that it was only an albino squirrel. He started back to his bed and his Elvis tunes, when the tapping began again.

"Damn squirrel," muttered Harry, going to the window, opening it, and telling the animal to 'shoo'. Instead of obeying this order, the squirrel hopped over the window sill, entered the room, and glared up at him with its beady little pink eyes.

"About bloody time, Potter," raged the squirrel. Harry couldn't believe it. He'd seen animals take on human-like roles; his owl brought him the mail every day. He'd seen three-headed dogs, unicorns, giant squids, hippogriffs, beasts that were half man, half horse, he'd even seen people turn into animals; but a talking squirrel? That was completely unheard of! "Are you finished rationalizing about why I shouldn't exist?" The squirrel demanded, tapping it's little foot with impatience.

Something about the creature's voice seemed to tear at Harry's nerves. There was something familiar about it, and it was totally frustrating that he couldn't recall why.

"Already forgotten about me, huh," sighed the white squirrel, making itself comfortable in Harry's open sock drawer. "It figures, after all, I was only a spare. Now I'm a damn woodland creature. Tell me, how fair is that?"

It finally dawned on Harry why the voice was so familiar; it belonged to a boy whose image had haunted his nightmares for the past few months.

"Cedric?" Harry hardly dared to believe it. He didn't really want too, being killed by a dark lord, then returning as a squirrel hardly seemed fair. "It can't be."

"It is. I'm Cedric Effing' Diggory, and I'm your foul mouthed squirrel friend. Even in death, you're still screwing up my life."

"Why are you a squirrel?" Was all Harry could think of to say, the look Cedric gave him made him wish he'd just kept his mouth shut. For a squirrel, the little guy sure was expressive.

"I don't know Potter," replied Cedric the Squirrel, "why are you such a dip-shit?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor do I expect to make any profit from this story.

**Authors note**: This is basically just a crazy idea that came to me one night. Read! Enjoy! Review! Have a fantastic day, and tell all of your friends to do the same!

!

"**So let me get this straight**," Harry said slowly, attempting to digest everything Cedric had just told him. This day just seemed completely unreal. Now the two were at a local park, Harry was sitting on a swing with Cedric perched on a nearby tree branch. "So 'they' sent you back to help me save the world? Why? And who is this 'they'?"

"Because I'm awesome?" Suggested Cedric, ignoring Harry's last question, "I don't know. You're Harry Freakin' Potter, just make something up and we'll go with it."

"You're a lot angrier than I remembered," Harry commented, not sure what else to say. This was all very strange, even for 'Harry Freakin' Potter', who in his fifteen years of life had already seen all sorts of strange things.

He was sitting in a park, talking to a squirrel, who was basically the reincarnated form of a guy he had previously been acquainted with.

"Potter," the squirrel sighed, his voice softening a little when he noticed the younger boys obvious distress, "I don't know why I'm here, but I do know that I'm supposed to help you, and that in order for me to do that, I need you to help me find my Magic Nut."

"I'm sorry," Harry interrupted, barely able to contain his laughter, "your what?"

Cedric the squirrel rolled his beady little pink eyes and glared at Harry.

"My Magic Nut. I can't do magic without it."

Harry snorted. "I'm sorry," he laughed, "but I don't think I'll ever be able to say those two words without thinking things that I shouldn't."

"You have a dirty mind, Gryfindor," sighed the former Hufflepuff.

"So where do we start looking for this Magic Nut?" Harry asked, struggling to choke out his last two words.

"That's starting to get old," Cedric informed him, "And if I knew the answer, we'd be there right now, wouldn't we? Now shut up, you look like a crazy man. Seriously Potter, people are staring."

"As they should be," swore Harry, "I'm talking to a freaking squirrel."

Harry and his woodland friend couldn't have picked a worse time to visit the local park. As they had been swinging and chatting about Cedric's Nut, Dudley and his gang of dimwitted douchebags had been sneaking up on them.

"See ya," Cedric chattered, then scurried up a tree.

"Bloody git," Harry swore as he watched the squirrel disappear, "what do you want, Dudley?"

"You're in my bubble, turd nugget."

Harry pulled his wand out of the pocket of his jeans and used it to poke his cousin.

"Oops, I think it popped."

"What?" Dudley was officially confused.

"You're such an ass hat." Sighed Harry.

"You aren't this brave at night," Dudley said smugly, taking a swing below the belt. Harry knew exactly what his cousin was referring to, but decided to turn it around on him.

"Damn it Dudley, I've told you I don't want to do that. I poop there!"

Dudley looked flustered, and his friends were looking around at each other in confusion. Obviously Harry's prank had been wasted on these buffoons. Harry couldn't suppress the resulting eye roll.

"I mean when you're sleeping. Your dreams," Dudley recovered and regained control of the situation just in time to cause maximum embarrassment. Harry wondered briefly why he even tried. "Who's Cedric? Your boyfriend?"

At that moment, a squirrel launched itself from a nearby tree, heading straight for Dudley's friends. Said friends ran from the park, screaming about rabid flying squirrels.

Cedric the squirrel took up residence on top of Dudley's head, grabbed a handful of hair, and pulled.

"I will bite you." The squirrel informed the terrified muggle.

"Y-you're a talking squirrel." Stammered Dudley.

"Yep." The squirrel padded around in Dudley's hair, making himself comfortable, "and you're going to help harry and I find my Magic Nut."

"No I'm not."

Harry turned his wand on his cousin.

"I know you can't use that thing outside of that school you go to. You aren't allowed. You can't scare me."

"If you don't help us," declared Cedric the squirrel, "I will shit on your head and chew on your face while you're sleeping."

Dudley looked horrified at this suggestion.

"Where do we start?" He asked finally.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor do I expect to make any profit from this story.

**Authors note**: This is basically just a crazy idea that came to me one night. Read! Enjoy! Review! Have a fantastic day, and tell all of your friends to do the same!

!

The boys decided that hunting for the Magic Nut could wait until after they had eaten supper, so they took a short cut back to Privet Drive. As they entered a dark alleyway, Harry felt and familiar feeling of unpleasantness and cursed under his breath.

Cedric, apparently quite the potty mouth, cursed loudly.

"What?" Asked Dudley, looking around to see what all of the cursing was about. "Are we just using foul language simply to be offensive? Cause, I could totally get behind something like that."

Harry shot his cousin a look, assuming that Dudley would see it an shut up. Dudley however, having not grown up experiencing Harry's 'looks' didn't understand the meaning behind it, and therefore continued to look confused.

"What?" he asked.

"Alright Shit-cicle, close your mouth and think happy thoughts," instructed Cedric the Squirrel, as Harry prepared his Patronous to get rid of the mob of angry Dementors who had gathered in the alley and wanted nothing more than to suck their souls.

"Why are there Dementors here?" Harry wondered as the three ran out of the alley.

"Because some high powered ministry official wants you to stop claiming that The Great and Powerful Douchebag has returned, and this is their attempt at shutting you up?" Suggested Cedric, "but I'm just guessing here."

"Damn," sighed Harry, having just realized that he'd used magic outside of school. Seeing no real reason not to, he lifted his wand and shouted, "Accio Cedric's Magic Nut!"

Naturally, nothing happened.

"You didn't really expect that to work, did you?" Cedric asked from his perch on top of Dudley's head.

"Not really, but I figured it was worth a shot," sighed Harry.

"What the hell were those things?" Demanded Dudley.

"Evil, Soul-Sucking Demons," Harry informed his cousin. "Didn't you feel lots of misery and despair when we were in the alley? Yeah, they tend to do that. Now, when we get back to the house, just act natural."

"As though nothing life threatening has occurred this evening," Cedric clarified upon seeing Dudley's confusion. Rapidly changing the subject, he addressed Harry, "Now Harry, you have to know that this is going to result in some ridiculous consequences. Our ministry is like a collection of monkeys, and when something like this happens they all go ape-shit. So you're going to encounter some trouble with them. Let's go ahead and make this decision Potter, are we going to behave and respect the monkeys, or are we going to go rogue and be total bad asses?"

Harry had to think about that for a minute.

On the one hand, cooperating with the ministry could end two ways. He'd either be expelled from Hogwarts, or he wouldn't. But, if he went rogue, not only would he definitely be expelled, but the ministry would almost certainly send people after him. At this point in his life, he didn't have much of a choice to make here.

"As much as I'd like to be a badass here," Sighed Harry, "I'm a fifteen year old boy armed with a talking squirrel, a dip-shit, and a wand with a tracking spell on it. Not to mention the Evil Ass Basket and all of his goons that want to kill me. I think, for now at least, that I'm going to have to cooperate. Now, perhaps once we have your Magic Nut, we'll have more options available to us, but I think this is the only choice I've got right now."

"Damn," sighed Cedric.

"You know," commented Dudley, "having to even consider that pretty much makes you a badass."

"Hey mister?" A young voice spoke up behind them. It was the young girl who lived down the street. Harry placed her at about six. "You said a bad word!"

"Sorry," Dudley grunted, barely containing his laughter as he and Harry made eye contact and nearly cracked up.

"You're going to have to put a dollar in the 'Bad Boy Jar'" declared the little girl, grinning as she held out a mason jar.

"What the hell?" Laughed Cedric, invisible from his position on Dudley's head, the little girl thought that Dudley had said this as well. when he realized this fact, Cedric unleashed a string of curse words suitable for a sailor, and the little girl's eyes practically glowed with dollar signs.

"My mommy doesn't want me to develop that sort of language, so every time I hear a cuss word, I demand a dollar in the 'Bad Boy Jar'!"

Rather than wonder what the girl called the jar when a female used foul language, Dudley simply looked heartbroken as he emptied his pockets. The little girl skipped away smiling.

"First Soul-Sucking Demons, now Money-Grubbing Midgets? Man, my day sucks!" Dudley complained as the boys arrived at Privet Drive. "Potter, get your boyfriend off of my head. After we deal with Mum and Dad, the three of us need to have a discussion."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor do I expect to make any profit from this story.

**Authors note**: This is basically just a crazy idea that came to me one night. Read! Enjoy! Review! Have a fantastic day, and tell all of your friends to do the same!

!

Harry Dumped Cedric the Squirrel in a bush outside the house, and went to face the Dursleys. They were pissed because of all of the owls that were gathered in the living room. Harry counted about twelve. He wished he had a 'Bad Boy Jar' of his own, knowing he would get rich quickly if he could tax all of Vernon's foul words.

"Get rid of all of these blasted owls!" His easily angered uncle roared. Harry knew better than to say anything here. He simply gathered the letters the owls had delivered, and then opened a window to let them out.

"Why are you so popular all of a sudden?" Vernon growled unpleasantly.

"Oh, I'm probably just being expelled for using magic in front of Dudley." Harry sighed, now skimming through the mail.

"H was helping me impress a girl, dad," Dudley interrupted in a rare moment of intelligence. "I was chatting up this cute girl a few blocks over, and Harry started trying to get my attention to tell me that my fly was open. I couldn't find a way to close it without her noticing, so Harry did this really cool spell and fixed it for me. It was totally awesome, and nobody even noticed!"

"Well," Harry said, finally looking up from the twelve letters in his hands, "each one of these says something different, but I'm pretty sure they've decided not to expel me. So that's good I guess. Now at least I get a trial."

"See," Dudley said, placing an encouraging hand on Harry's shoulder, "told you it wouldn't be so bad!"

Harry gave him a confused glance, obviously wondering what his cousin was playing at, but he Dudley continued to smile broadly. The older Dursley's quickly lost interest, and Vernon left the room hoping for a guilty verdict and the death penalty.

"Such nice relatives you've got," commented Cedric, who had climbed into the house through the window Harry had opened for the owls, and was now perched on Harry's shoulder.

"Yeah well," Harry sighed, heading into the kitchen for a sandwich, "I didn't exactly get to pick them."

The three ate in silence after that, each suddenly realizing how little they actually knew about one another.

"So," Dudley said finally, as he started on his second sandwich, "Potter, how did your boyfriend get turned into a squirrel?"

"He's not my boyfriend," Harry said, at the same time Cedric answered,

"No idea."

"Interesting," commented Dudley, through a mouthful of sandwich.

"I thought so," agreed Cedric, nibbling on bits of bread the boys had dropped on the table.

"Harry dreams about you," Dudley informed the squirrel, "every single night I hear him shouting your name in absolute terror."

"That would be a nightmare," the squirrel informed Dudley, raising his eyebrow in Harry's direction, "my death was certainly unexpected. I can see how it might have ben traumatic for those who witnessed it."

Dudley's face began to shift from 'slightly interested' to 'absolute horror' at the mention of Cedric's death. Harry and the squirrel were rather amused as the larger boy ran around the room like a lunatic screaming about a 'ghost squirrel'.

"He's not a ghost, Dudley," Harry laughed as his cousin looked at him in disbelief. "Believe me, after Nearly-Headless Nick's Death Day Party, I think I've seen my fair share."

Dudley still looked terrified of Cedric, but he sat back down at the table.

"You've been to a Death Day Party?" Cedric asked, looking interested, "sweet, what was it like?"

"Awkward," Harry confessed, "Moaning Myrtle tried to dance with me." He shuddered at the thought. Cedric put a sympathetic paw on the younger boy's arm before he could stop himself, accidentally clawing the kid.

"Sorry. Damn claws, I haven't figured out how to use them yet! They're always popping out at inappropriate moments." Glancing up a Dudley, who was trying to work up the courage to touch the squirrel and prove to himself that it was real, "If you pet me, I'm gonna bite you."

"Dang, Potter," laughed Dudley as he pulled his hand back, "your boyfriend is a mean little shit."

"Don't even bother, Harry." Cedric the squirrel sighed, seeing Harry open his mouth to defend himself. "Sometimes you have to choose your battles, and this isn't even worth your energy."

**Authors note! **Oh, don't look at me like that, you know you're excited. I hope everyone's enjoying the story at this point. I know it's pretty out there, I mean, I'm using a talking squirrel as a main character. Remember as you read through this story to take time to get the mental picture, I know I laughed pretty hard when I was thinking of it. So, to conclude this Author's note, please review and let me know what you think. I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions! Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, nor do I expect to make any profit from this story.

**Authors note**: This is basically just a crazy idea that came to me one night. Read! Enjoy! Review! Have a fantastic day, and tell all of your friends to do the same!

!

"So, today I think we should start looking for Cedric's Magic Nut," declared Dudley. It was raining outside, so he didn't have anything else to do. "Maybe we could begin by making a list of places where it could be?"

The others couldn't think of any objections to this plan, so that was how they spent the day. By lunch their list included: The attic, Neptune, Diagon Alley, Knockturn Alley, Gringotts, The Ministry of Magic, up Harry's arse (Dudley came up with that one), and Alabama.

"Well, I think we can safely cross the seventh one off the list," Harry announced as he reentered the room looking rather relieved. "Also, the attic door is locked and I can't use any more magic."

"Maybe there's a potion," Cedric suggested, hopping off of Harry's bed to rifle through one of the various text books on the floor.

Dudley burst out laughing.

"Seriously guys?" Dudley snorted, "We don't need a POTION to unlock a door." With that, he snagged one of his mother's hair pins, and had the door open in minutes.

"That's awesome Dudley!" Harry surprised himself by praising his cousin, "can you teach me to do that?"

"No problem, Cousin."

The boys spread out to search the stacks that were piled high all over the room. After about an hour, Cedric felt certain that his Magic Nut was not in the Dursley's attic. However, that was about the time Dudley found a box of his mother's childhood things.

So, while Harry and Dudley bonded over their mothers' childhood experiences, Cedric used Dudley's computer to Google transportation potions; as he was pretty sure Harry's cousin was a bit too large for broom travel, and he himself wasn't sure how he would react to flying. It was one of the things he'd loved during his short lifetime as a human.

After several search attempts, he found something that looked promising. However before he could print it, he heard a woman scream, and suddenly a pair of meaty hands clamped firmly around his body, severely limiting his oxygen intake.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!" shrieked the woman who stood behind the man who was holding him.

"It's a squirrel, Petunia," the man roared, "I've always disliked albino animals, they're just unnatural." Suddenly the man's eyes landed on the computer screen.

'That's it,' Cedric thought bitterly to himself as the man holding him howled like a wounded animal, 'I'm dead.' Cedric did the only thing he could think of: he stuck his teeth into the flesh of the big man's hand and clamped down for dear life.

At some point, Harry and Dudley had come out of the attic. When they heard Petunia screaming in Dudley's room, they exchanged glances and broke into a run. The sight that greeted them would have been amusing, if Uncle Vernon hadn't had Cedric in a death grip.

"Dad," Dudley said calmly, "why are you killing my pet squirrel? What has Mr. Fluffikins (Fluff-E-Kens) ever done to you?"

"He bit me," Roared Vernon, "and he was using your computer to look up magic potions."

"He's just silly like that," laughed Dudley, rescuing Cedric from Vernon's grip. "He's just a squirrel, Dad, it's not like he means anything by it. And Mom, you should stop screaming. The neighbors might hear you and thing something is wrong."

Harry marveled at Dudley's ability to make his parents believe anything. It was certainly useful, when it wasn't being used against him.


End file.
